10 Things Parents Do That Unintentionally Push Their Adult Children Away
Parents always want the best for their kids, but when your children grow up, your relationship with them needs to grow, too. Holding onto old habits that once worked when they were younger can sometimes drive a wedge between you and your adult children. This isn’t something you do on purpose, but it happens more often than you’d think. Let’s talk about 10 things parents do that might unintentionally push their adult children away.
If you constantly give unsolicited advice, your adult child may feel overwhelmed
As a parent, you’ve always been there to guide your child, from teaching them how to tie their shoes to helping them make life decisions. But when your child becomes an adult, they need the space to make their own choices—both good and bad. Constantly offering advice, even with the best intentions, can feel like you’re questioning their ability to handle things. Typically speaking, this can make them feel overwhelmed, and they may begin to distance themselves to avoid the pressure of always being told what to do.
If you hold onto expectations that no longer align with their life, it may cause tension
Parents often envision certain paths for their children—career choices, marriage, or having kids of their own. However, adult children have their own vision of what their life should look like. Holding on to expectations that no longer align with their reality can create tension. You might feel disappointed, and they might feel like they can’t live up to your standards. In reality, this kind of pressure can harm the parent-child relationship, as it breeds resentment on both sides.
If you’re overly critical, it may erode their confidence
No one likes feeling judged, especially by their parents. When parents are overly critical of their adult children—whether it’s about their life choices, partners, or even their appearance—it can erode their self-confidence. Honestly speaking, consistent criticism, even when meant to be constructive, can make your adult child feel they’re never good enough in your eyes. This can lead them to distance themselves to avoid constant disapproval.
If you still treat them like a child, it can make them feel undervalued
It’s easy to forget that your “baby” is now an adult with adult responsibilities and decisions. But if you continue to treat them like the children they once were—whether it’s calling them pet names from childhood or insisting on making decisions for them—they might start to feel undervalued.
As Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a parent coach and psychologist, told Psychology Today, “The more respect you give your adult child, the more likely you will get it back from them.” Simply put, adult children need to feel respected for their maturity and capabilities. If they don’t, they might withdraw in order to assert their independence.
If you guilt-trip them, it can create emotional distance
Using guilt as a way to get your adult child to spend more time with you or do what you want is a surefire way to create emotional distance. Comments like “You never visit anymore” or “I guess you don’t care about your family” can feel manipulative. This can cause adult children to feel resentful and emotionally exhausted, which leads them to avoid situations that make them feel guilty.
If you don’t respect their boundaries, they may feel suffocated
Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship, and this includes parent-adult-child relationships. If you’re constantly calling, showing up unannounced, or prying into their personal life, it can feel like an invasion of privacy. In truth, not respecting your child’s boundaries can make them feel suffocated and lead them to create even more distance in an attempt to regain their personal space.
If you focus only on your needs, they may feel like you’re not supportive
When parents focus only on their own needs—whether it’s seeking constant validation, emotional support, or time—it can strain the relationship. Adult children often have busy lives with their own responsibilities, and if they feel like their needs are being ignored in favor of yours, it can make them feel unsupported. Balance is key. If parents fail to support their child’s needs, that can drive them to seek validation elsewhere.
If you don’t respect their partners, they may choose their partner over you
For many parents, it can be hard to accept their child’s partner, especially if you have strong opinions about them. But when you openly criticize or fail to respect your child’s partner, you’re putting your child in a position where they have to choose between the two of you. That said, respecting your child’s partner, even if you don’t always agree with them, is crucial to maintaining a strong relationship with your adult child.
If you bring up past mistakes, it can reopen old wounds
Bringing up your adult child’s past mistakes—whether it was dropping out of school, a failed relationship, or a bad financial decision—can reopen old wounds. Constant reminders of their past errors can make your child feel like they can never escape their past in your eyes. This can push them to distance themselves to avoid feeling judged or reminded of their failures.
If you ignore their opinions or dismiss their ideas, they may feel like their voice doesn’t matter
As your child grows up, they develop their own ideas, beliefs, and opinions—many of which may differ from your own. When parents ignore or dismiss their adult child’s opinions, it sends the message that their voice doesn’t matter. Of course, open communication is key to a healthy relationship. If your child feels like their opinions are always disregarded, they may stop sharing them altogether and withdraw emotionally.
The Takeaway
Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids become adults; the way you parent has to evolve. These ten things parents do—often unintentionally—can push their adult children away, creating emotional and physical distance. It’s important to respect your adult child’s independence, listen to them without judgment, and create an environment where they feel valued, respected, and supported. Making small adjustments in how you interact with your adult child can help strengthen your bond and ensure a lasting, positive relationship.
