These 8 Phrases Are KILLING Your Marriage (and You Don’t Even Know It)
When you think about what makes a marriage strong, you probably think about sharing, caring, and supporting each other through good times and bad. But sometimes, it’s the little things—like the words we use—that can subtly undermine the love and respect partners feel for one another. In this article, I’ll share eight phrases that might be hurting your marriage without you even realizing it.
The First Phrase That Hurts: “You never” or “You always”
Starting a sentence with “you never” or “you always” sets a negative tone right away. It sounds accusatory and tends to lead to defensiveness rather than a constructive conversation. This phrasing assumes that the behavior in question is a fixed and unchangeable trait of your partner, which can feel unfair and dismissive of their efforts or changes they’ve made.
For example, you might find yourself saying, “You never help with the dishes,” or “You always forget our anniversaries.” Statements like these not only make your partner feel criticized but also shut down the possibility of open dialogue. Instead, try addressing specific instances and express how those actions make you feel. It’s more about communication and less about blame.
A Phrase to Rethink: “Whatever”
“Whatever” might seem like just a single word, but it can pack a punch. Using “whatever” during a disagreement can come across as dismissive and disrespectful. It sends a clear message to your partner that you’re no longer interested in their opinion or the conversation itself.
Imagine you’re discussing where to go on your next vacation, and after a bit of back and forth, one of you says, “Whatever.” It feels like giving up on the conversation and can be incredibly frustrating for the other person. A more engaging approach would be to express that you need a break from the discussion and suggest revisiting it later with fresh perspectives.
Phrases That Undermine Connection: “If you really loved me, you would…”
This phrase is emotionally manipulative and can make your partner feel like their love is being questioned over not meeting a specific expectation. It creates pressure and guilt rather than fostering mutual understanding or compromise.
Suppose your partner hasn’t been very affectionate lately due to stress at work. Saying, “If you really loved me, you would find time to cuddle,” might make them feel even worse, adding to the stress rather than alleviating it. Instead, express your needs openly and listen to their current challenges. This fosters a nurturing environment where both partners feel valued.
Why “I told you so” Damages Respect
“I told you so” can be incredibly satisfying to say but devastating to hear. It implies that you’re keeping score in the relationship, which can commonly lead to feelings of resentment and inferiority. Celebrating a partner’s failure or mistake, even indirectly, is harmful.
Instead of saying “I told you so” when something goes wrong, try offering support and understanding. This can turn a potentially negative experience into an opportunity for growth and team-building within your marriage.
The Impact of Saying “Fine”
“Fine” is often anything but fine. It’s commonly used to end an argument when one partner isn’t really okay with the conclusion but doesn’t want to argue further. This can lead to unresolved issues and resentment building up over time.
When you feel tempted to end a discussion with “fine,” it might be more helpful to take a moment to explain why you feel unresolved. By addressing the issue directly, you can work together to find a more satisfying resolution.
“You should know how I feel”
Expecting your partner to know your feelings without expressing them is unfair and can lead to misunderstandings. Communication is key in any relationship. Assuming your partner should know your feelings without verbalizing them puts unnecessary strain on them and can lead to disappointment.
“This is just like your mother (or father)”
Comparing your spouse to a parent, especially in a negative context, can be particularly hurtful. This type of comparison can bring up unresolved issues and create a sense of inadequacy and frustration.
“Calm down”
Telling someone to “calm down” often has the opposite effect. It can come across as patronizing and dismissive of the person’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and discuss why they feel that way. This validation can lead to a more calm and constructive conversation.
These phrases might seem small, but they can have a big impact on the emotional climate of your marriage. By being mindful of our words and choosing to communicate with respect and compassion, we can strengthen our bonds and build a more supportive, loving relationship. Remember, it’s not just about avoiding negative phrases; it’s about fostering positive communication that brings you closer together.
